neveR spoken

(PLEASE FINISH READING BEFORE YOU JUDGE OR HAVE AN OPINION )

So what do you do when the 1 you seen your future with is a liaR and he hit you on 3 occasions (nothing dRastic but has always left a bruise or mark and the one time he didn't leave a mark, blood was shed) I'm not defending him cause I know he's wRong and maybe that's why I cut him off, The last time he decided to put his hands on me. In april (2009) it will make a yeaR I haven't spoken to him. He's tRied to Reach to me on aim apologizing but I ignored every communication he's tried to pursue. It huRts a lot. I stayed aRound through so much dRama I REPEAT SOOO MUCH. He's denied our bond most likely talked gReasy about me behind my back I'm suRe. I know you sit heRe reading oOoO heRe we go another dumb bRoad. But nah that's soOo not me. I'm someone who likes to help, maybe even to much. I stayed with him thRough the denial because most boys have a haRd time expressing their feelings and have difficulty manning up to a Relationship. They want to make it seem "Ohhh Nah thats just my joint". When they definately know that young lady has their feelings and sooner or later have their best interest. Knowing he wasn't who he petrayed to be in otheRs eyes, I think I'm the only one (excuse me)...I KNOW I'm the only one who knows him best besides his motheR. We had a conversation and I mentioned I wouldn't mind waking up to him every morning and he just looked at me like I was talking anotheR language lol then once he realized I was seRious he looked more comfortable and lateR on mentioned that he wanted to wake up next to my big head also. I could do nothing but smile cause I realized why I fell in love with him. Dealing with someone who has a haRd time expressing their feelings is frustating but each and eveRy time they do theres a tingle in youR body because you never thought you would see the day when they would actually come around to expressing them so freely. Hearing him say I love you before he closed his eyes and planting a kiss on my lips or forehead had me feeling like a little giRl who fell in love for the first time and knew there wasn't ever an ending to ouR (not just mine but his as well) fairytale. Too bad the Rest of the the woRld besides his family, seen the Love we once shared. Its cool cause I taught him how love feels (excluding the physical and veRbal abuse which wasnt often but it doesnt excuse the times it did occuR) and realize even though you can be veRy comfortable and believe your situation is Rock haRd and steady...once you'Re warned about something... and you proceed to do it again...and get chopped and scRewed...No one screwed YOU but YouRself...

I had this built up for Months and Months...

wondering what should I do

Im stuck because....

God says you must foRgive

but I don't feel he deserves my forgivness

and if I dont speak to him how will he eveR know I foRgive him

if I decide to do so...

It's botheRsome because He's the one who knew me best inside and out

I doubt I will eveR let someone know me as best as he did

Yeah I know all guys aRen't bad... BLAH BLAH bullshit

im not giving anyone benifit of the doubt

Thats there decision to pRove me wRong

So I know I need to be at woRk at 9:30 am. Which requires me to wake up at 6:30 am so I can leave by 7:50 so I can be at the bus by 8:00 am BUT that sounds GOOOOD cause it neveR eveR happens. I tend to pRocrastinate a wholeeee lot and its hoRRible. I take a cab to woRk everyday which is 12 times 5 which is 60 dollars a week. I know I can afford it so I don't mind cause can take my slow sweet time. When I sit down and think hmm I can actually save 60 dollars a week and do something moRe productive with that money like save it. Then I think well Robyn you aRe already saving money in the bank so it's ok to spend the money on a cab Ha it's Really NOT though. I need to get a caR veRy soon cause NYC Public Transportation is thee WORST. I guess thats why I resort to taking a cab, to NOT deal with the headache. TheRe has to be a resolution quick cause almost 8 cabs a week isnt healthy lol. Well fiRst I need to wake up on time and not lay in my bed 45 mins after my alaRm goes off. We shall see how this week tuRns out. BARACK says CHANGE ChanGe CHANGGGE so yeah let me make an adjustment for the betteR !! Night Night it's 2:17 am so I have to wake up in 4 houRs (So much for that thought)


{Mananas Blog---> Something thats been on my mind and I soOo need to release how im feeling maybe feedback from people I don't personally know will help me have a betteR understanding}